Waves

 

i’ve been wanting to show you 

that i feel forever about you

lately

been wanting to show you 

what loving you is like

 

this roundtable 

in the middle of my room

is the only place

 

maybe we have been here for days

but really years

rie chinito streams from the tv

while you slice limes

with a butterknife 

and talk about your day

i carve our next fight into the wood

 

you hold my hand under the table

 

when i am not picking fights

i am remembering

which is worse

because we made this table

put it together with our bare hands

 

there’s a lot of crying

that goes on here lately

 

everyone is talking

 

there aren’t enough ways to lay apology

for how self-hatred has harmed us

 

there was a time when

“no one will love you until you love yourself”

sounded more like a promise

than a threat

both

i want to stay

i want to leave

this is how i excuse myself from loving you

 

but

 

the flushing heat of wine soaked sheets

comes later

comes in a forever kind of way

i’ve been wanting to show you

 

loving you is like

seeing my low self esteem mixed into a color 

streaked across a canvas

and hung up in that gallery we love downtown

made into something worth looking at

 

loving you is like

taking all of the love i can’t give myself

and finally putting it to good use

 

i’ve been wanting to show you

that i feel forever about you

lately

you are the only light 

in these walls

on these floorboards

 

this roundtable

in the middle of my room

is the only place